Sunday, July 18, 2010

Franz Kafka Meets Oscar Meyer

Dana Tonnies was rummaging around in her vault recently, and unearthed this gem she allowed me to share with you. It's a short story Mac Tonnies wrote in 9th grade - as hilarious as it is ironic - and is, as follows:

"The Human Hotdog
Mac Tonnies

I screamed as the huge. yellow plastic mustard container came near, its rigid nozzle dripping with globs of its gelatinous, slimy contents. Frantically, I leaped to the side just as a glistening beam of rancid mustard splashed onto the tile floor next to me. With a mild rush of air, the ominous bottle whizzed over my head, Its shiny surface coated with a sickening, powdery crust of dried mustard. A whine-like noise pierced the silence as a second stream of mustard escaped the container, but this one made contact. I winced when I realized I was smothered in the putrid, yellow gel. Its pungent, spicy odor made me feel light headed, but I continued my struggle. I watched disgustedly as, the flying bottle soared overhead like some sinister aircraft, the word "French's" gleaming from behind the layer of flaking mustard. I realized with a wave of sickish fear that I was being transformed into a human hotdog...

I dove out of the way as a deluge of chunky, mucous-like relish poured from the ceiling and splattered over my head. I spit an unnatural large pickle chunk out of my mouth and continued stumbling around, only to be confronted by a towering "Heinz" ketchup bottle.

All hope and resistance drained out of me, and I let the mammoth bottle clump its watery. bubbly contents over me. Weak and exhausted, I collapsed on the floor, an oozing mass of red ketchup flowing over my back. I noticed with a faint shudder that my body had grown cylindrical and rubbery. My skin had turned somewhat elastic and leathery, and my limbs had begun dissolving back into my body. Without question, I knew what was happening. I was undergoing a strange genetic metamorphosis. I was becoming a hotdog! I staggered to my feet, droplets of quivering ketchup and mustard dripping off my body as I began a hazardous, aimless journey into fear.

My entire anatomy numb and leathery, I crawled across the tile floor. My brain felt heavy and liquid-like. My eyesight was declining. My facial features were diffusing into hotdog-like simplicity. As my mind drifted away into unconsciousness, I was only vaguely aware of the two huge, sponge-like buns that whirled into view and constricted me into a perfectly tube-shaped slab of meat.

The transformation was complete. I am now a human hotdog."

And, there you have it, folks. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I suppose it's no wonder Mac eventually became a vegetarian!

Many thanks to Dana Tonnies!

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